The Bullshit Coefficient

After many years of painstaking and costly research I have finally developed the formula for deriving the bullshit coefficient for all Martial Arts.

It is a complex expression based upon a number of variables that require rigorous definition.

B = C * M squared

The Calculation can be split into two distinctive areas

1. The Cost factor C

   C = (D * S) + O + G + F

   Where
   D = Minimum Joining Term in Days
   S = Base Class Cost Per Session
   O = Outrageous Outfit Factor
   This factor is calculated from the following expression

   O = N * U * ( L / H )
   WHERE
   N = number of uniforms required
   U = Cost of Uniform + any ancillary requirements ( e.g + Belts + Sashes + Badges + T-Shirts + Bags + Umbrellas + Special Footwear )
   H = Hue , the Colour of the Uniform
   The Colour Values are

   • Normal Clothing Colour, standard tracksuit = 1
   • Black = 0.5
   • White = 0.5
   • All Other single colours = 0.33
   • Mixed Colours = 0.2
   
   L = Material Linen Value used for the Uniform
   The Material Linen Values are
   • Silk = 5
   • Cotton = 4
   • Hessian = 3
   • Other Materials = 5
   • Normal Clothes , Non specific training kit, track suit = 1
   
   G = Number of Gradings Required For Mastery * Grading Fee
   F = Annual Membership Fee

2. M = The Master Factor
   The Master Factor is made up from the following parameters

   M = (E+1) * T

   • E = W + K + Q
     WHERE
     W = The number of magic words used per explanation
     By the history and nature of Martial Arts it is impossible to not use mystical terms, hence the +1 factor.
     These magic words are words that can mean anything at all but cannot be proven to mean anything. These include the ch'i or qi , meridians , energetics, empty force
     K = the number deadly techniques taught (e.g delayed death touch, eagle eye of death)) that cannot ever be practised
     Q = the number of ludicrous demonstrations of qi power carried out on the complicit students per year. and any pseudoscientifc explanations that are shown to be worthless when examined critically.
   • T = The ratio of Fighting Time, Tf, (application practise, sparring, wrestling, fighting) spent to Other Activities such as learning forms, exercising, stretching , talking, To
     T = To / Tf

   As an example we shall take the average Kung Fu Class and the average Tai Chi Chu'an Class and my own class.

   (a) Tai Chi Class

   
   One Month minimum payment. Multicoloured Silk Uniform and Special Shoes. Practise Uniform + Competition Uniform. One lesson per week. No Gradings.

   C = (D * S) + O + G + F = 2650

   D = 30 , S = 5 , G = 0 , F = 0

   O = N * U * ( L / H ) = 2500

   Multicoloured Silk Uniform and Special Shoes
   N = 2 , U = 50 , L = 5 ,H = 0.2

   M = (E+1) * T = 10 * 59/1 = 590
   To = 59 minutes
   Tf = 1 minutes

   Bullshit Factor B = 2650 * 348100 = 922465000

   The Bullshit factor is out of this world but these are the most popular classes.

   (b) Kung Fu Class

   One year minimum sign up at £5/session with an annual membership fee of £100 and twice yearly gradings at £30, 10 years to achieve proper mastery at a rate of 2 classes per week (plus a lot of indivual practise)

   C = (D * S) + O + G + F = 2685

   D = 365 , S = 5 , G = 30 * 20 , F = 100

   O = N * U * ( L / H ) = 160

   One Black Cotton Uniform + Sash
   N = 1 , U = 35 + 5 , L = 4 , H = 1

   M = (E+1) * T = 2 * 50/10 = 10
   To = 50 minutes
   Tf = 10 minutes

   Bullshit Factor B = 2685 * 100 = 26850

   Quite a lot of bullshit here but nothing compared with the Tai Chi

   (c) My Class

   One Month Minimum Payment. No Uniform No Gradings. 2 Sessions per week. No Annual Membership. Have to use the term qi because everyone asks about it.

   C = (D * S) + O + G + F = 150

   D = 30 , S = 5, G = 0 , F = 0 , O = 0

   M = (E + 1) * T = 1 * 30/90 = 0.3333
   To = 30 mins

   Tf = 90 mins

   Bullshit Factor B = 150 * .11111 = 1.666

   Minimum bullshit , maximum training .

   Check The Bullshit Factor of your Class Now.

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